Spate Of Aurora Sightings Blamed On Haggis Farts

A recent surge in the sightings of The Northern Lights (aurora borealis) across the South West of Scotland, is being blamed on the increase of the local Wild Haggis population by experts.

The team from ‘Scottish Haggis In The South’ (SHITS) have been carrying out surveys of the local Wild Haggis population in the recently created Lowland Haggis Sanctuary. The results from this survey have shown that there is a massive increase in Dumfries and Galloway’s Wild Haggis population.

Local Haggis expert I.M.Fulocrap stated “With the massive increase in numbers of wild haggis in the new sanctuary in Southern Scotland, there is an unprecedented increase in the consumption of the wee critters’ favourite foods, which includes naturally growing local plants like bracken and purple heather, plus locally farmed crops like oats, turnip and tatties. This combination of plants in the Wild Haggis diet is very high in fibre, which obviously leads to a high output of Haggis gas (Farts) or as we like to call it ‘Haggas’.

The Haggas is totally harmless to the environment, but does have a faint odor of hops, it is also florescent, and comes in various colours, depending on what the Haggi have been feeding on, but usually it is green from the chlorophyll that is the pigment in green plants, or purple/pink from the heather flowers.

Now this florescent gas does not show up in the daylight, but during spells of calmer weather, and when there is very little cloud in the sky, if there has been a large build up of Haggis farts in one area, the Haggas can illuminate at night, especially when there is a brighter moon.”

I.M. Fulocrap continued “In the last few weeks in the Dumfries and Galloway area, there have been several evenings where, although not with the naked eye, the Haggas has been very visible in the sky with the correct camera equipment, with many keen photographers out capturing images, of what they have been describing as ‘The Northern Lights’ or ‘Aurora’, but what is actually the ‘Haggas Phenomenon’ or HP for short.”

Local stargazer and photographer Papa Ratzi said ” I have recently been getting some super shots of the Aurora in Dumfries and Galloway, the sky has been awesome, great flashes of green, pink and red, but there has always been a smell, like the one you get in Edinburgh from the breweries, which I thought was just from a nearby distillery. However, after speaking to the rangers at the local Haggis sanctuary, Bob Upndoon and Jill Nobeleeveit. I learned that there is now a very dense local Haggis population near to where I usually set up my equipment, and that Haggi Farts smell. They also informed me the when Haggi do pass wind, it can often sound like the faint drone of bagpipes playing, and when you hear Haggi running in a large herd through the undergrowth they make a similar noise to snare drums, which I have heard, but i thought it was just the local pipe band rehearsing away in the distance.”

Experts from SCOTCH (Stop Cruelty Of The Common Haggis) the organisation behind the protection of all of Scotland’s wild Haggis breeds have issued a warning to all photographers, to take care when they are out at night time trying to capture images of the Arura or Haggas Phenomenon (HP), not to disturb the wee beasties during their busy breeding season.

The CEO of SCOTCH Nowie Dunnit told DGWGO, “We really do encourage everyone to get out there and have a go at spotting the Haggas Phenomenon (HP), but do not take a hipflask with you, as the smell of the Whisky, will mean that you cannie get onto the scent of the HP, or HP Sauce as we experts like to call the smell. Please do stay safe, stay warm, and watch where you are stepping, as Haggi can give a nasty wee nip, if yer no careful.

And always remember Haggis is best with HP Sauce!!! Happy April Folks and Happy HAGGAS hunting!